The Stoic View of Friendship
As a pro-social philosophy, the Stoic view on friendship is key to living the good life. Friendships shape our lives more than almost anything else, yet we rarely stop to examine what makes a friend good in the Stoic sense. Seneca reminds us that before we seek good friends, we must first become grounded within ourselves:
“The wise man is content with himself.”
Seneca, Letters from a Stoic, Letter IX
This sets the tone for understanding friendship not as escape, dependence, or utility, but as an extension of virtue and self-knowledge.
Understanding Friendship Through a Stoic Lens
Begin with Yourself: Why Self-Connection Comes First
Stoicism teaches that we must be able to stand on our own before forming deep bonds with others. When we fear being alone, we rush into friendships that are based not on judgment, but on need. This desperation leads to unhealthy, imbalanced relationships.
When we are calm, grounded, and content with our own company, we can evaluate others clearly. We see them for who they are, not for who we want them to be. This is the first Stoic requirement for recognizing a true friend.
“If we are not able to be alone, we jump into relationships without really looking at what they are.”
Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, Stoic Friendship (00:49)
Before Friendship Exists, Judge Carefully; After It Exists, Trust Fully
Seneca draws a sharp distinction between the formation of friendship and the practice of friendship. Before a friendship forms, we should judge calmly and objectively. Not in the petty sense of judging someone’s worth, but by understanding their character.
After a friendship is established, we must trust fully. A friendship built on suspicion is no friendship at all. This requires attention, presence, and reasoned observation, not projection or emotional need.
“Now I can judge this person, not out of desperation but out of peace.”
Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, Stoic Friendship (03:15)
Aristotle’s Three Types of Friendship And Why Stoics Prefer One
Aristotle gives us a helpful framework:
1. Friendship of Pleasure
Based on shared fun or enjoyment. Pleasant but brief.
When the pleasure ends, so does the friendship.
2. Friendship of Utility
Based on mutual advantage.
Useful, but fragile. When the advantage disappears, the relationship dissolves.
3. Friendship of Virtue
The rarest and highest form.
Two people committed to each other’s moral growth, honest, loyal, supportive, and compassionate.
A virtuous friend can hold you accountable without belittling you, cheer for your success without jealousy, and support you without neediness.
Stoicism sees this third kind, the friendship of virtue, as the truest form of human connection.
“You can just be yourself with this person… that’s the friendship of virtue.”
Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, Stoic Friendship (06:55)
The Stoic View: Friendship as Interconnectedness
Stoicism is profoundly pro-social.
Epictetus reminds us that every being is naturally attached to its own interest, but part of our self-interest is the well-being of the whole. We are woven into a single human community.
Stoic friendship is rooted in this idea of sympatheia, the deep interconnectedness of all things. A true friend wants what is good for you because it is good for you, not because it benefits them.
Seneca’s advice is simple:
“Associate with those who will make a better man of you. Welcome those whom you yourself can improve.”
Seneca, Letters to Lucilius, Letter 7.8
This mutual improvement, grounded in virtue, is the hallmark of Stoic friendship.
Friendship Beyond Distance: Keeping Friends “in the Spirit”
For those who travel or live far from home, Stoicism offers comforting clarity.
A friend does not need to be physically present to be real or meaningful.
Seneca tells us that a true friend is “never absent,” because friendship resides in the spirit, not geography.
Gratitude and attention preserve friendship across time and distance. When you are present with a friend, be fully present. When you are apart, keep them in gratitude.
Friendship Is a Preferred Indifferent — Value It Without Clinging
Stoics remind us that even the best friendships remain externals.
They are preferred indifferents: valuable, meaningful, enriching, but not the source that leads to Eudaimonia.
Friends may change. Relationships may shift from virtue to utility or fade entirely.
This is natural. We honor what was given, we stay open to what comes next, and we remain steady within ourselves.
Conclusion
True friendship, from a Stoic perspective, is not accidental. It is built from self-knowledge, virtue, attention, and mutual growth.
Recognize friendships grounded in pleasure and utility, but cherish those grounded in virtue. And remember, begin with yourself. A healthy relationship with others starts with a healthy relationship with your own mind.
You can watch the full episode here: The Stoic View on Friendship
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Book a free consultation with one of our Stoic Coaches. You can also listen to the Via Stoica podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or watch it on YouTube.
Author Bio
Benny Voncken is the co-founder of Via Stoica, where he helps people apply Stoic philosophy to modern life. He is a Stoic coach, writer, and podcast host of The Via Stoica Podcast. With almost a decade of teaching experience and daily Stoic practice, Benny creates resources, workshops, and reflections that make ancient wisdom practical today.
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