The Stoic View on Relationships: Building Stonger Connections

How to Build a Stoic Relationship

Relationships sit at the center of many of our anxieties. Not being in one. Being in the wrong one. Wondering whether a relationship is necessary for a good life at all.

From a Stoic perspective, this tension is not solved by techniques or formulas. It begins with a quieter question: What role should relationships play in a life lived well?

As Marcus Aurelius reminds us:

“People exist for one another. You can instruct or endure them.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.59

But existing for one another does not mean losing oneself in another. The Stoics offer a way to approach relationships without dependency, fear, or illusion, but grounded in character, responsibility, and attention.

Before the Relationship: Learning to Stand on Your Own

One of the most common pressures people feel today is the idea that they are behind if they are not in a relationship. Age becomes a deadline. Being alone becomes a failure.

Stoicism challenges this from the start.

A good relationship does not complete a fragmented person. It grows from someone who already knows how to live with themselves.

“Before you start looking for someone else, make sure that the relationship with yourself is solid, balanced, and honest.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, How to Build a Strong Relationship: A Stoic View (03:39)

The Stoics believed that when you are aligned with your own nature, your values, limits, and responsibilities, you also relate to the world more clearly. Without projection or desperation.

This is not withdrawal. It is preparation.

As Seneca often emphasized, contentment with oneself is not isolation but stability. From that stability, connection becomes a choice rather than a need.

Why Relationships Still Matter

Stoicism is not a philosophy of self-sufficiency taken to an extreme. Human beings are social by nature. We are shaped, tested, and revealed through interaction.

Relationships expose who we are.

“They show us our intentions, our fears, our attachments. They reveal everything we still need to work on.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, How to Build a Strong Relationship: A Stoic View (07:52)

Without others, character remains untested.
Without friction, self-knowledge stays undiscovered.

This applies not only to romantic relationships, but to friendships, family bonds, and social roles. The Stoic question is not whether we should have relationships, but on what terms.

Friendship and the Foundation of Virtue

Here, the Stoics echo an older insight from Aristotle: not all relationships are equal.

Some are built on usefulness.
Some on pleasure.
Only a few on virtue.

Friendships of virtue are stable because they are not transactional. They endure absence, change, and distance. They do not demand constant proximity to survive.

This is also why Stoicism rejects the modern fantasy of the lone wolf. Independence is not isolation. Strength is not withdrawal. We exist with and for one another, even while remaining responsible for our own character.

Circles of Responsibility and Cosmopolitanism

A lesser-known Stoic image helps clarify how relationships fit into a good life.

The philosopher Hierocles described human relationships as concentric circles. At the center is the self. Around it: family, friends, community, society, and ultimately all of humanity, interconnected

Each circle carries different responsibilities.
The distance determines duty, not superiority or detachment

This view grounds Stoic cosmopolitanism: we are not citizens of one tribe or nation alone, but participants in a shared rational world. Respect does not depend on intimacy. Care does not require possession.

Marriage and Partnership: A Stoic Perspective

Contrary to modern assumptions, the Stoics were largely supportive of marriage. Not as romance, but as cooperation.

Musonius Rufus described marriage as companionship grounded in care, shared responsibility, and mutual respect.

Character mattered more than wealth, beauty, or status. Those externals fade. Character endures.

“What makes a relationship strong is not constant harmony, but mutual care, honesty without humiliation, gentleness with firmness.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, How to Build a Strong Relationship: A Stoic View (19:02)

A relationship that lacks these qualities can become worse than solitude. Two people living side by side, yet deeply alone.

Stoicism does not ask us to endure such situations blindly. It asks us to remain just, honest, and self respecting, whether that leads to repair or departure.

Attachment, Impermanence, and Letting Go

One of the hardest Stoic lessons in relationships concerns impermanence.

As Epictetus reminds us, when we love someone, we love a mortal being. This awareness is not morbid. It is clarifying.

Knowing that relationships can change prevents fear from turning into control. It keeps love grounded in gratitude rather than anxiety.

“When we are afraid of losing someone, we may slowly give up who we are just to keep them.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, How to Build a Strong Relationship: A Stoic View (21:38)

Stoic detachment does not mean emotional coldness. It means loving fully without confusing another person with your own stability.

Conflict, Judgment, and Communication

No relationship escapes conflict. The Stoic question is how we meet it.

Epictetus reminds us that it is not events themselves that disturb us, but our judgments about them. In relationships, this often means assuming intention without evidence.

Stoicism encourages restraint: pause judgment, seek understanding, communicate clearly.

Conflict handled with respect can strengthen trust. Conflict fueled by unexamined assumptions erodes it. Sometimes resolution means staying, and sometimes it means parting well; both require courage.

Conclusion

The Stoic view on relationships is neither romantic nor cynical. It is grounded.

Work on your character first.
Engage others without illusion.
Care without possession.
Love without fear.

Relationships are not guarantees of happiness, but arenas where virtue is practiced or neglected.

If you would like to hear the full reflection, you can watch the complete episode on YouTube:
How to Build a Strong Relationship: A Stoic View

Want to explore more Stoic practices?

Book a free consultation with one of our Stoic Coaches. You can also listen to the Via Stoica podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or watch it on YouTube.

Author Bio

Benny Voncken is the co-founder of Via Stoica, where he helps people apply Stoic philosophy to modern life. He is a Stoic coach, writer, and podcast host of The Via Stoica Podcast. With almost a decade of teaching experience and daily Stoic practice, Benny creates resources, workshops, and reflections that make ancient wisdom practical today.