What Is Wrong with Modern Stoicism? When the Self Can’t Help

Where Modern Stoicism Goes Wrong

Stoicism has become widely popular in recent years. It appears in books, podcasts, social media, and especially in the self-help world. Many people turn to Stoicism hoping to become calmer, stronger, and more resilient in the face of life’s difficulties.

And yet, something often goes wrong.

Instead of feeling steadier, people feel pressured or of finding guidance; they feel judged. And instead of being supported, they feel they must handle everything on their own. The unspoken assumption seems to be that if Stoicism is practiced correctly, the self should always be able to cope.

But what if there are moments when the self can’t help?

The ancient Stoics did not assume unlimited inner capacity. They understood that reason, the very foundation of Stoic practice, is something we can lose access to temporarily. And when that happens, Stoicism cannot function as it is meant to.

As Marcus Aurelius reminds himself:

“People exist for one another.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.59

That line alone already challenges the modern idea that Stoicism is something we must do entirely by ourselves.

Stoicism Is Not a Self-Help Philosophy

Modern Stoicism is often framed as self-help. In that framing, philosophy becomes a personal toolkit, something to be applied independently, regardless of timing or circumstance.

But Stoicism was never meant to work that way.

Stoic practice depends on the ability to pause, reflect, and examine impressions. It requires access to reason. Without that access, Stoicism does not merely become difficult; it becomes distorted.

As Benny reflects in the episode:

“Stoicism depends on our ability to apply reason, to pause, to reflect, and to examine our judgments.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, What Is Wrong with Modern Stoicism (07:29)

Self-help assumes the self is always capable. Stoicism does not.

When Reason Is Not Available

There are moments in life when reason is compromised. Grief, depression, anxiety, anger, or emotional overwhelm can narrow perspective and distort judgment. In those moments, asking someone to apply Stoicism independently often leads to self-blame rather than insight.

This is not a personal failure. It is a human reality the Stoics themselves acknowledged.

Benny names this clearly:

“If we are not in a mental state that allows us to apply reason and logic, then Stoicism isn’t a tool that we can use independently.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, What Is Wrong with Modern Stoicism (06:48)

When the self cannot access reason, Stoicism does not disappear, but its application changes. What is required then is support, guidance, and patience, not moral pressure.

Stoicism Was Never Meant to Be Practiced Alone

One of the most damaging misconceptions of modern Stoicism is the idea that strength means handling everything by oneself. This ignores the deeply pro-social nature of Stoic philosophy.

Stoicism developed in schools, friendships, and civic life. It was practiced among others, with correction, encouragement, and shared responsibility. The concept of oikeiōsis reflects this clearly: we act according to what seems right to us, but that does not mean we always know what is truly right.

As Benny explains:

“We do things that we think are good for us, but that doesn’t mean we always know what the right thing to do is.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, What Is Wrong with Modern Stoicism (10:58)

When the self can’t help, others help restore perspective. That is not a weakness. It is part of being human.

The Loss of Self-Compassion

Modern Stoicism often becomes harsh, especially toward oneself. There is an implicit belief that if suffering persists, one must be doing Stoicism incorrectly.

The ancient Stoics understood progress as gradual and uneven. They spoke of improvement, not perfection. Without self-compassion, reflection turns into punishment, and learning becomes impossible.

Benny reflects on this directly:

“People become so harsh on themselves that they miss the learning opportunity completely.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, What Is Wrong with Modern Stoicism (15:12)

Self-compassion is not opposed to Stoicism. It is what allows Stoic practice to continue when the self is struggling.

Gratitude and the Forgotten Beauty of Practice

Another thing missing from modern Stoicism is gratitude. While discipline and endurance are emphasized, appreciation for what is already present is often overlooked.

Practices like memento mori were never meant to darken life. They were reminders of its fragility and value. Gratitude shifts Stoicism from grim endurance to attentive presence.

Without gratitude, Stoicism easily turns cold and joyless, disconnected from the beauty of human effort and everyday kindness.

Too Much Theory, Too Little Life

Modern Stoicism often feels overly academic. Discussions focus on definitions, textual correctness, and philosophical purity. What gets lost is the question that mattered most to the Stoics themselves: how should we live, and live well?

When Stoicism becomes something to defend rather than something to practice, communities fracture instead of supporting one another. Philosophy turns into identity instead of guidance.

Stoicism was never meant to be mastered first. It was meant to be lived, imperfectly, among others.

When the Self Can’t Help, Stoicism Still Can

From a Stoic perspective, what is wrong with modern Stoicism is not its popularity, but its isolation. Ideas remain, but support, humility, and shared practice are often missing.

Stoicism does not fail when the self can’t help. It fails when we pretend the self should always be enough.

Stoicism was never meant to harden us. It was meant to steady us, together.

You can watch the full episode of What Is Wrong with Modern Stoicism on YouTube via the Via Stoica Podcast.

Want to explore more Stoic practices?

Book a free consultation with one of our Stoic Coaches. You can also listen to the Via Stoica podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or watch it on YouTube.

Author Bio

Benny Voncken is the co-founder of Via Stoica, where he helps people apply Stoic philosophy to modern life. He is a Stoic guide, writer, and host of The Via Stoica Podcast. With almost a decade of teaching experience and daily Stoic practice, Benny creates reflections, workshops, and resources that make ancient wisdom practical today.