“The best revenge is not to be like that”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 6.6
When someone hurts us, the instinct to get back at them can feel almost automatic. A sharp comment, a betrayal, a public humiliation, and our ego wants to fire back, to even the score. But Marcus Aurelius invites us to take a different approach.
The Stoic view on revenge, he says, is not found in returning the injury. It is in refusing to become like the person who caused it.
This is not about being passive or avoiding confrontation. It is about recognizing that who we are is always more important than what was done to us. To act from virtue, rather than emotion, is the highest form of strength. That is the Stoic view on revenge: do not answer harm with harm. Choose something better.
Revenge Chains You to the Offense
Retaliation feels satisfying in the moment, but it rarely leads to peace. Instead, it keeps you connected to the injury, locked into a cycle of reaction. The Stoics believed we should always strive to respond rather than react, and never let another person’s behavior dictate our own.
By refusing to imitate cruelty, we take back control. We remember that our values are not for sale, even under pressure.
Marcus reminds us that living well, with character and dignity, is the best way to overcome insult. Not by pretending it never hurt, but by showing that we will not be dragged down by it.
They Have Harmed Themselves, Show Compassion
Stoicism is not just about maintaining your own character. It is also about recognizing the shared humanity of those who harm us. The Stoic view on revenge goes beyond the self. It reminds us that people often act out of ignorance, not malice. They have not just wronged us, they have wronged themselves by choosing what is unwise and unvirtuous.
Marcus encourages us to be unlike those who injure others, but we can go one step further. We can meet their ignorance with compassion. Not in a patronizing way, but in a sincere effort to lead by example.
When someone lashes out, it reveals something about their inner state. If they truly understood what was right, they would have done it. So instead of thinking about revenge at all, we can shift our focus toward kindness, clarity, and the possibility of guiding others through our response.
Sometimes, the best way to help someone else is simply by not becoming like them.
Four Stoic Practices to Release the Desire for Revenge
- Ask what virtue requires: Before responding, pause and ask, “What does courage, justice, or wisdom call for in this moment?” Your answer will often surprise you.
- Let your life be your response: You do not need to strike back to make a statement. Living with integrity is often the most powerful message you can send.
- Replace the reaction with action: Instead of replaying the offense, invest your energy elsewhere. Do something that matters to you. Build rather than burn.
- Practice compassionate clarity: Recognize that the person who wronged you has also harmed themselves. Respond with calm understanding. You do not have to fix them, but you can refuse to hate them.
Stoicism teaches us that revenge is a trap disguised as strength. Real power is quiet, grounded, and self-directed. When you refuse to become like the one who harmed you, you win something far more valuable than the upper hand, you win peace.
Struggling with revenge?
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