What is the Stoic man? This question alone will stir up some emotions and thoughts. That’s why it is important to address it. And to acknowledge the fact that this question means something different to everyone. It has been asked and examined more and more in recent years. Especially since the traditional gender roles are changing and are leaving the concept of masculinity rather blurred.
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We want to know what it means to be a Stoic man. let’s look at some of its characteristics, instead of explaining it as being a man or being masculine. Stoicism lends itself to exploring this topic, but here we also need to make a distinction. We are not talking about stoicism or the newer term ‘broicism’, which is becoming more popular. The ideas behind this new term couldn’t be further from what the ancient Stoics had in mind with their philosophy.
What is masculinity?
First, let’s look at the term masculinity. It doesn’t give us much to work with, to be honest.
‘the quality or nature of the male sex: the quality, state, or degree of being masculine or manly”
Merriam Webster
A lot of these definitions work in circles, instead of delving into some specific qualities. Manly is defined as
“Having qualities traditionally associated with a man: STRONG, VIRILE”
Merriam Webster
Looking at those two qualities, strength, and virility, we can define those in many ways as well. When we look at the ‘manosphere”, and edge towards the toxic side of this conversation, we see these relate to physical strength, imposing physiques, violence, and the suppression of emotions. To appear weak is like a kryptonite. That’s why it’s best to be loud and present, to cover up any possible insecurities.
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Let us try to define it with a more reasoned and objective voice. When we look at the more primordial side of men, being called weak or unreliable, especially by our loved ones, hurts deep inside our souls. It doesn’t matter where you are on the spectrum of masculinity, this is an essence of our nature. But we have evolved from the apes and primates, and we have reason and logic on our side. That’s why being a Stoic man needs to be viewed from different angles.
Integrity and Maniless
“Integrity and Maniless”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.2
What better example of what a man is, than Marcus Aurelius? This Stoic man, the emperor of Rome. Not any emperor, but one of the five good ones. There are many pictures of him on different social media platforms. Many depict him as this buff, 12-pack, super-strong man. But in reality, he was quite frail in physique. To the point where the people around him believed he wouldn’t survive for very long as an emperor. But what he lacked in physical strength, he made up for in mental power.
In what we now see as the first book of his meditations, he gives thanks to the most important people in his life. The quote above is the second one, attributed to the memory and reputation of his father, who died when he was young. He opened the book with his grandfather Verus, who stepped into that father role.
“Character and self-control”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.1
This is not an essay against manliness or masculinity. This is an attempt to find out what the real Stoic man is. Integrity, character, and self-control seem like a good start. Especially coming from Marcus Aurelius.
Self-reliance and cheerfulness
“Self-reliance, always. And cheerfulness”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.16
From his adopted father, Antoninus Pius, he learned these two aspects of being a Stoic man. Among many other lessons. Antoninus was the biggest influence to him becoming the emperor he turned out to be. We see here somewhat of a contract. Self-reliance can be seen as a quality of strength, which makes the addition of cheerfulness an interesting one.
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When we look at the modern masculine sphere, we often see a lot of angry men. They even advocate acting out of anger because it makes you more powerful. Yet Marcus Aurelius was taught to be cheerful and self-reliant. The world is not a dark place, but we can take great joy out of it if we live it well.
“Joy for humans lies in human actions. Human actions: Kindness to others, contempt for the senses, the interrogation of appearances, observation of nature and events in nature.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.26
There’s no need for anger or extreme displays of what some think a Stoic man should be. We should display kindness to each other, even those we don’t agree with. However, those men whose will to power is stronger than their will to virtue, seek violence. But what shapes a character better than the aspects of masculinity we have seen displayed by Marcus Aurelius? Another great example he gives us is when he starts the lessons from his adopted father with a single word.
“Compassion.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.16
The simple life
“Her reverence for the divine, her generosity, her inability not only to do wrong but to even conceive of doing it. And the simple way she lived – not in the least like the rich.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.3
The only woman in book one of his Meditations is his mother. And she played a big role in his life. Not only did he learn from her to be good, but she also showed him the simple way to live. Although he might have taken it a bit further than his mother would have wanted. By adopting a more primitive lifestyle. But then again, his fifth inspiration, who most likely would have been a slave, taught him this.
“To put up with discomfort and not make demands.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, book 1.5
The Stoic man is content with little. A stark contrast from what we see in the broicism messages, which are filled with flashy cars, big villas, and a lot of externals to show how ‘well’ they are living. While the Stoics look at the good life internally.
“Anywhere you can lead your life, you can lead a good one. – Lives are led at court… Then good ones can be.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 5.16
The more famous translation of this quote is: “It is possible to be happy, even in a palace.” Marcus reminds himself that a palace is normally not a place where people live well. And we’ve seen many examples of emperors who did an appalling job at it. It is possible. he tells us if we find it within. Something the toxic masculinity gurus tend to forget.
Duty and Responsibility
“His constant devotion to the empire’s needs. His stewardship of the treasury. His willingness to take responsibility – and blame – for both.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.16
The simple life we looked at before can be brought down to duty and responsibility when exploring what the Stoic man is like. Taking on the different roles in life is part of that. Whether you are the Emperor or Rome, a teacher, a soldier, or a father, all these roles require us to do the best job we can. According to the highest moral standards. And to do so without complaining, as Marcus Aurelius reminds himself.
“Doing your job without whining.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.15
When we do our duty in a virtuous way, it’s easier to take responsibility for it. Whether we succeed or fail, if we have done our best, there is no glory or shame in that. We did what we were supposed to do, for the benefit of the greater good and our soul. But we do take responsibility for our actions and for what the moment requires of us. These two qualities are key components of building an honorable character. That’s why we can see them coming back throughout the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius.
Strength and discipline
“The recognition that I needed to train and discipline my character.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 1.7
His main Stoic teacher, Junius Rusticus, taught him many things. And the quote above is what Marcus Aurelius starts with. To end our question for the Stoic man, what better way than to look at two concepts that keep showing up in the toxic masculinity and the broicism groups? Strength and discipline. Where he differs from our modern followers of stoicism, the lower case -s type, is the fact that he is training his character, his inner strength. I’ve read the meditations a few times, but I haven’t seen him advocate going to the gym every day. And there is nothing wrong with looking after your body, in fact, it is important to do so. We do prefer health over sickness, but it should be done in moderation and not as a goal in and of itself.
Inner strength requires discipline, but also a curious mind. To explore the emotions, triggers, and obstacles we encounter in life. Only by knowing exactly who we are, can we live a balanced and good life. This helps us observe the world around us, and apply our reason and logic to the present moment. Moreover, it guides us to live a life of virtue and in accordance with nature. This then brings us peace of mind and calmness.
What is the Stoic man?
The true Stoic man is a man of character, integrity, self-control, self-reliance, kindness, and compassion. One who seeks value within, not in externals. Who does his duty and takes his responsibilities in life. This confident man doesn’t need to be the big star but can live a modest life. This kind of masculinity is obtainable to all. Whether you love going to the gym or want to stay far away from it. We can all live well and be men. It is up to you to find the way that works best for you, but remember what Marcus Aurelius tells himself.
“And then you might see what the life of the good man is like – someone content with what nature assigns him, and satisfied with being just and kind himself.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 4.25
If you are struggling with this question and looking for some guidance and coaching, you can book a free consultation with us to explore what this means to you. Our Stoic coaches are available to you to help you find balance and inner strength. Check out our life coaching programs here. Or learn more about the communities we offer here.
Here is episode 47 of The Via Stoica Podcast where we discuss the topic of the Stoic man. You can use the link below or find it on your favorite podcast platform.
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