“What a man sets his heart on, that he naturally loves. Do men set their heart on evils? – By no means. Or on what does not concern them? – No again. It remains for us to conclude, then, that good things alone are what they set their heart on: and if they set their heart on those, they love them too. Whoever, therefore, has knowledge of good things would also know how to love them; and he who cannot distinguish good things from evil, and things that are neither good nor evil from both of these, how could he still have power to love? It follows that the wise man alone has the power to love.”
Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 2, Chapter 22.1
We often talk about love as if it’s an uncontrollable force, something we fall into or out of. But what if we are focusing on the wrong kind of love? Instead of trying to find Eros, we should be looking for something that is long-lasting and based on what is worth loving.
That’s the essence of what Epictetus teaches. When we ask what is virtuous love, the Stoic answer is clear: Virtuous love is love rooted in understanding, guided by wisdom, and aligned with what is truly good.
What is virtuous love, according to the Stoics?
Epictetus points out that love is not simply an emotional attachment. We love what we believe to be good. But if we have a poor understanding of what is actually good, then our love will be misdirected toward status, appearance, or pleasure.
Virtuous love, in contrast, emerges only when we have learned to distinguish between what is good, what is bad, and what is indifferent. The wise person, who understands that the only true good is virtue itself, is the only one capable of loving what should be loved.
Practical reflections
- Examine what you admire: What qualities draw your affection? Are they virtuous, like integrity and courage, or superficial?
- Redefine romantic love: Instead of seeking someone to complete you, seek someone who helps you grow in virtue.
- Love with clarity, not confusion: True love is not blind; it sees clearly and values rightly.
Learning what is virtuous love changes not just how we relate to others, but how we relate to ourselves. It’s not about less love, but better love.
FAQ Section
What is virtuous love in Stoic philosophy?
Virtuous love is love based on reason and moral goodness. It values character over externals and aligns with nature and virtue.
Can Stoics experience romantic love?
Yes, but they aim to love wisely. Romantic love is not rejected, but purified through reason, self-awareness, and shared virtue.
How do I practice virtuous love?
By aligning your affections with what is truly good, honesty, wisdom, justice, and letting go of possessiveness and fear.
Want to explore more Stoic strategies?
Book a free consultation with one of our Stoic Coaches or read more on the Epictetus Quotes page. You can also listen to the Via Stoica podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or watch it on YouTube.
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