Confidence is often spoken about, but rarely understood in its depth, despite its profound impact on how we live. How to be confident like a Stoic will show us why it is important. How it can create resilience and peace, and what we can do to increase our confidence. We read a lot about how to be stronger and what techniques we can use, but we forget about the foundation that is needed to make these strategies effective.
The self-help industry is filled with ways of improving life that work for individual people, and they sell their solutions to others. There are successful ways that work for others. But this requires an intrinsic motivation to keep going and put these techniques into action. Whereas philosophy, Stoicism in particular here, needs the individual to ask questions and find the source of motivation within. From here we can start building a true sense of belief in ourselves.
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Stoic Confidence
Being confident like a Stoic is all about self-reliance or autarkeia (αὐτάρκεια). Building on this concept from Aristotle the Stoics combined it with apatheia (ἀπάθεια). A state in which we don’t let our judgments on impressions be disturbed by the passions or our desires. Understanding that everything that we need and all that is good is found within,
“Dig deep; the water – goodness – is down there. And as long as you keep digging, it will keep bubbling up.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 7.59
Marcus Aurelius reminds himself to look deep inside, where he finds all he needs and all that is good. Once we tap into this well, it will never stop providing us with what is good. This requires us to know ourselves and to have the courage to dig deep. This part of the journey is never easy. The confrontation that we have with ourselves can cause us pain and distress. It is, however, the only way we can find true peace with ourselves. What most of the self-help books and techniques offer are ways to deal with or soften the symptoms. They rarely discuss going to the source.
What is confidence?
“a feeling or consciousness of one’s powers or of reliance on one’s circumstances”
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/confidence
But this modern definition only scratches the surface of what true confidence means. Confidence is having a certain belief in either ourselves, someone else, or something that we use that has the capability of supporting itself, whatever the situation is. This is why the Stoics focused on self-reliance, in part when thinking about what is in our control and what isn’t. When we know what is in our control we see that we have all the tools ready to deal with what is happening around us. We always have the freedom of choice to do the right thing, that which is virtuous and in accordance with our nature.
When we are more confident, we will also be able to be alone better. While we don’t want to alienate ourselves from society, which is a key concept in Stoicism, since we are social animals, we should start from a solid independent foundation. This will help us be more objective when looking for potential friends and partners. Saving us from entering in the wrong relationships.
“We ought, nevertheless, to prepare ourselves for this also, to be capable of being self-sufficient and bearing our own company.”
Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 3, Chapter 13.6
Read over 200 quotes by Epictetus here.
While Seneca explains it as follows:
“…we say the wise man is self-content; he is so in the sense that he is able to do without friends, not that he desires to do without them.”
Seneca, Letters from a Stoic, Letter IX
Being self-reliant
When we talk about being self-reliant, we are not focusing on our finances or having our house, car, and work in order. We want to go deeper to be able to count on ourselves when the world around us falls apart. When we discuss being confident like a Stoic, we are focusing on our character and soul. This focuses on forming right judgments and applying reason and logic to our actions. Having the power of adaptation to deal with whatever fate has in store for us. In this state of mind, we will not be as emotionally influenced by externals, because we know that this is not where our power and strength lies.
When we reach this level of confidence, we can remain calm and peaceful, knowing that we will do our best to act virtuously and in accordance with nature. This will prevent us from worrying about possible future events because we can rely on the knowledge that we can handle them. We are also now better at forgiving ourselves for past mistakes because we know we needed them to grow and learn.
How to be confident like a Stoic
The question now is, how do we get there – to this state of genuine self-reliance and inner confidence? Reading more books or following more courses won’t give you the answer. It starts with a key concept from Socrates that the Stoics embraced deeply: knowing yourself. As we saw from the quote by Marcus Aurelius earlier, we need to dig deep. This can be done with support from a therapist or a Stoic coach. Talking to friends and family will also give you a better idea of who you are. But the true discovery has to be made by you through honest self-reflection and examination. And it doesn’t end with just knowing who you are, it requires embracing and loving yourself as you build your character.
“First tell yourself what sort of man you want to be; then act accordingly in all you do.”
Epictetus, The Discourses, Book 3, Chapter 23.1
Building character is, as we have seen, essential. In our post, What is the Stoic Man, we explored how character development forms the cornerstone of Stoic philosophy. From a strong character, we will feel more confident. We can strengthen this by making sure we don’t let our immediate emotional reactions cloud our judgments on the events that happen to us. Instead applying reason and logic to these initial impressions and our resulting actions. Ingraining this practice into our lives will give us the proper tools to fall back on regardless of the situation. Knowing this about ourselves increases the trust and belief that we will do the right thing.
False Sources of Confidence
There are many who advocate gaining confidence by exercising, building a career, obtaining possessions, or having relationships. Looking at these sources of confidence from a Stoic lens, we can identify these as the preferred indifferences – things that have value but shouldn’t determine our happiness. We also see them as externals and thus not under our control. Obtaining any of these could make us feel better about ourselves, and they can sometimes be the start of our journey to self-improvement, but they cannot be the end. If we connect our confidence to these parts of life, we hand over our character to externals. The problem arises when something happens that takes them away from us.
Learn more about How to be Alone like a Stoic.
Some even advocate getting confidence from anger. This goes against the self-reliance the Stoics aim for. We miss the apatheia – that state of clear judgment free from destructive emotions – because we let ourselves be led by harmful emotions like anger. These emotions shouldn’t be shunned, but we need to make sure we don’t act out of them. We need to use them to give us more information about who we are. Then we can start shaping our character as we’ve seen before.
The Journey to Stoic Confidence
While confidence naturally fluctuates according to how our lives develop, when we learn how to be confident like a Stoic, these fluctuations will become less pronounced. In the perfect state, we would experience no changes. Since that is difficult to reach, we want to focus on the journey and the process. This mindset shift will increase our confidence because we will see that we are growing and making progress. Knowing that we are heading in the right direction will help make us feel better about ourselves.
You can also get in touch with one of our coaches and find out how we can help you build the right kind of confidence. Using Stoic practices and exploring who you are will help you create this foundation upon which you can form the right judgments and actions. This will help you become more self-reliant and face the world with more equanimity and a stronger character and soul.
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