How to Become and Stay Sober: A Stoic Reflection on Alcohol, Identity, and Deliberate Living

The Start of the Sober Journey

Learning how to become and stay sober is rarely just about putting the drink down. For many of us it is tied up in something deeper: who we think we are, where we belong, and what others will think if we put the glass down for good. That tension is uncomfortable to sit with. And so we keep going, not always because we cannot stop, but because stopping seems to threaten something even more fragile than our health.

I know this because it was my story for a long time.

I grew up in the Netherlands, where drinking is woven into the fabric of social life. By the time I reached college, alcohol had become more than a habit. It had become part of my identity. People called me Benny drunk. My last name rhymes with the Dutch word for drunk. It was easy to laugh about. It was harder to see how much of my sense of belonging depended on it.

I want to be clear about something here: I do not think of myself as a severe alcoholic. I never drank alone. At home, I had no alcohol. The need simply was not there. But the moment I walked into a social setting, the floodgates opened. It is important to make that distinction, because not every difficult relationship with alcohol looks the same. Understanding your own version of it is where everything begins.

Six years ago, I made a decision. Not a dramatic one, not a sudden awakening, but a quiet, deliberate choice that changed what followed.

This is that reflection.

Why We Drink: Identity, Belonging, and the Social Script

For many of us, drinking is not really about the alcohol itself. It is about what the alcohol represents: membership, ease, the feeling of fitting in without having to explain yourself. We drink because the people around us drink. Because the setting seems to call for it. Or because somewhere along the way, we stopped asking whether we actually wanted to.

Epictetus was clear on this. We suffer not from what happens to us, but from our own judgements about what those things mean. And one of the most persistent judgments many of us carry is the belief that we need alcohol to be accepted. That without it, we will be seen differently, included less naturally, welcomed with less warmth.

That belief kept me in the loop for years. Not because anyone forced me, but because I had never stopped to examine it.

Understanding your own relationship with alcohol matters more than following anyone else’s path. For some, social drinking stays social. For others, and I was one of them, a certain amount becomes a threshold, and what happens beyond it is no longer really a choice. Knowing which side of that line you stand on is the beginning of everything. It is also the part of this conversation that only you can have with yourself.

The Moment That Changes Things

There is rarely one single moment. There is usually a slow accumulation of mornings, of waking up with a gap where the evening should be, of carrying a weight you cannot quite name. The decision to get sober tends to arrive after a long time of almost deciding.

For me, that accumulation ended in a Dubai hotel room. My marriage had ended. My life looked nothing like I had planned. I woke up one morning, clothes scattered, phone missing, looking at a pale face in the mirror with red eyes that I barely recognized.

“This is not going to be my life. This is not who I’m going to be. And if I don’t do anything now, then it’s just going to keep going worse and worse.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, Six Years Sober (18:05)

That was not the moment I quit. But it was the moment I stopped pretending I did not need to.

The Stoics called this prosoche, attention to the self, the practice of watching your own patterns without flinching. Not to punish yourself for what you see, but to see it clearly enough to choose a different direction. It is one of the quieter Stoic practices and one of the most honest.

Why Willpower Alone Will Not Keep You Sober

Here is something worth sitting with. Willpower alone does not work. Not for long.

“Willpower is like clenching a fist. You can only clench it for this long. At one point, your muscles are going to slowly lose the tension and you’re going to give away and your hand opens up again.” Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, Six Years Sober (24:11)

The Stoics speak often about sophrosyne, temperance, one of the four cardinal virtues. People sometimes assume that temperance means moderation, that the wise path is always somewhere in the middle. But temperance is really about knowing yourself clearly enough to choose what is right for you. For some people, moderation means two drinks. For me, my scale runs between zero and one. And I know what happens with either option. Zero is my moderation because I understand where my excess starts.

What replaces willpower is something that is found deep inside and is more durable. It is intrinsic motivation, knowing clearly why you are making this choice and feeling that it belongs to you, rather than feeling like a restriction imposed from outside. When the decision comes from that place, we no longer have to fight it every day. It becomes part of who we are.

The Stoic Practice That Helps Most: Negative Visualization

One of the most useful Stoic practices for staying sober has been premeditatio malorum, the premeditation of adversity, or what we often call negative visualization. It sounds counterintuitive. Why deliberately imagine what could go wrong?

Because it brings clarity before a choice, rather than regret after it.

There were moments, even years into sobriety, when the thought would arise. One drink would not hurt. Everyone else is having one. And in those moments, instead of fighting the thought or clenching the fist, I would pause and follow the thread. One drink, probably a second, the familiar loss of control, the blackout, the morning after, the days of feeling low and hollow. The full price of that one drink, laid out clearly.

That price was never worth paying.

“When someone offers me a drink, or I am thinking about having one, I remind myself of the consequences. In my mind, the film of the possible night and morning plays out before itself.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, Six Years Sober (27:09)

We can use this practice far beyond alcohol. With food, with spending, with any pattern that feels harmless in the moment but carries a higher cost further along. The pause is the practice. The question is simple: Is this a price I am willing to pay?

What We Fear Most Is Rarely What Happens

The biggest fear many of us carry when we think about getting sober is social. That we will be seen differently. That we will be left out. That without alcohol, we will have nothing to offer in a room full of people drinking.

What happened was the opposite. The relationships that remained became stronger. The people who stayed showed me who they actually were. And I was able to show up as myself, fully present, with nothing blurring the edges. The anxiety I used to feel for days before a party, worrying whether I could control myself, simply disappeared. I wake up the morning after a social evening feeling rested, clear, and grateful for the night I can actually remember.

The Stoics spoke often about the quality of our social bonds, how they are built on honest attention rather than shared habit. What sobriety did, over time, was strip away the connections that depended on alcohol and reveal the ones that did not. That turned out to be more than enough.

“What was my biggest fear actually turned into my biggest gain. And it has really enriched my life for the better.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, Six Years Sober (33:49)

FAQ

How do I become sober if I am a heavy social drinker? Start by examining your relationship with alcohol honestly. Not everyone’s story looks the same, and the support you need depends on your individual situation. For some, a structured programme is the right path. For others, the combination of a clear personal decision, the right examples around you, and Stoic practices like negative visualization is enough to begin. What matters most is making the choice from the inside, not as a rule imposed from outside.

How do you stay sober when everyone around you is drinking? The key is that sobriety becomes part of your identity rather than a restriction you are managing. When the choice is genuinely yours and rooted in your own values, it holds in difficult situations. Negative visualization helps in moments of temptation: pause, trace the realistic chain of consequences, and ask yourself honestly whether that is a price worth paying. Over time, social situations that once felt threatening begin to feel ordinary.

What is negative visualization and how does it help with sobriety? Negative visualization, or premeditatio malorum in Stoic philosophy, is the practice of tracing the realistic consequences of a choice before you make it. When the thought of having one drink arises, you pause and follow the chain of events that the drink is likely to set in motion. Seeing the full cost clearly makes the choice easier. It is not about fear; it is about honesty with yourself.

Does quitting alcohol affect your friendships? It does, and not always in the ways we fear. Some connections fade. But the ones that remain often become more honest and more nourishing. People tend to respect the choice more than we expect. The presence and attention we bring when sober is something the people around us notice and appreciate, even if they never say so directly.

What does Stoic philosophy have to do with getting sober? Stoicism helps because it returns agency to you. It reminds us that we are responsible for our choices and that our identity is not determined by what surrounds us but by what we decide. The Stoic virtue of temperance is not about rigid abstinence for its own sake. It is about knowing yourself clearly enough to choose what is genuinely right for your life.

Conclusion

Learning how to become and stay sober is, at its core, a question of identity. Not who we have been, but who we are choosing to become.

Stoic philosophy does not promise that the journey will be easy. It does not offer techniques to make the discomfort disappear. What it offers is something more durable: a way of seeing ourselves clearly enough to make deliberate choices, and a foundation solid enough to hold when those choices are tested.

Six years in, I am still making that choice. Not every day requires it. But when it does, the foundation is there.

“I am now Benny, the one who lives deliberate.”

Benny Voncken, Via Stoica Podcast, Six Years Sober (30:10)

You can watch the full episode here on YouTube: https://youtu.be/NRb6jVaL9GI?si=qFqbMX8l3usw7fMR

Want to Learn More?

If this resonated and you are ready to start building your own philosophy of life, a conversation with Benny as your Stoic coach can be a good place to begin. Not to be told what to think, but to have the space to figure it out. You can also sign up for the newsletter, the Pause, or watch or listen to the Via Stoica Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

About the Author

Benny Voncken is the founder of Via Stoica and host of The Via Stoica Podcast. He has practiced Stoicism as a way of life for over seven years and draws on almost 15 years of teaching experience to turn dense ancient ideas into daily practice. Since 2023 he has coached clients around the world through one-on-one Stoic coaching. He also leads Stoic walks across Europe, writes the monthly newsletter The Pause, and has spoken at Stoicon.