How to Follow Your Own Advice: The Stoic Practice of Otherizing

You follow your own advice by asking what you would tell someone else in your situation, and I tested that Stoic practice on a coastal walk in southern Portugal. Halfway through the walk I ran into a friend, chose time with them over finishing the recording, and went home to record the rest. It was the advice I keep giving other people about making friends and building social connections, and this time I took it myself.

Here I look at how the Stoics tested their own advice with a practice called otherizing, where I still fail to follow mine, and a three step exercise you can try this week.

Why It Is Hard to Follow Your Own Advice

On my walks and in my coaching I talk with people about the teachings of the Stoics, and while I speak I watch what happens in my own head. A few months ago I met some great people in Prague, and afterwards I wondered how well I practice what I had just shared. I even asked myself whether I am a hypocrite, telling others how to live while failing at it myself.

When I look at where I stand now, I see real progress. My anxiety has dropped, I feel more peace and calm, and I make more decisions based on what I need and want. Walking along a beach in Portugal made the question feel simple.

Giving advice costs us little because the problem belongs to someone else. Taking it costs more, since our own wants and desires now sit on top of the event.

How Otherizing Helps You Follow Your Own Advice

The Stoics had a practice for this gap, and we call it otherizing. Epictetus gives the example in Handbook 26: when a neighbour’s boy breaks a cup, we tell everyone it is only a cup. The test comes when the cup is ours, and whether we then give ourselves the same advice about our property and the things we care about.

Grief works the same way. When a friend is grieving we come close and support them, and we usually know what to say. Then we have to ask whether that is also how we look at our own loss.

Otherizing also creates distance. You step back from the event and from your first reaction, and you look at your situation as a third party would, which already takes some of the sting out of it. From there you can add the fact that you have wants and desires tied to the event, and still apply the advice as far as you can.

Our article on how to deal with fear like a Stoic uses the same technique, and how to be an example applies it to our own actions.

Where I Miss My Own Advice

On one of my Stoic walks we talked about big shocks and whether a pause really works. I told the group to experiment with different ways of pausing, keep what works for them, and make it their own. While I said it, I asked myself how I practice the pause and when I skip it. I have learned to take the initial sting out of minor events and bigger ones, and I let a feeling run when the action involved is safe and people are around. When action is needed, I try not to let the pathē, the emotions that take away our rational thought, steer me. Our article on the Stoic habit of pausing explains how Epictetus trains this.

My own mood is the harder case. When things do not work out, or I have not done what I planned, I can fall into a negative mindset and stay there for a long time. Since that conversation on the walk I apply the pause to my thoughts and ask what I am adding on top of the situation to make it worse. Then I ask what I can remove so I see it for what it is, and that has helped me.

Seneca, among the richest men of the Roman Empire in his day, still took the cure he recommended, and for him the cure was philosophy. The Stoics and other ancient philosophers saw a visit to the lectures of Epictetus as a visit to a doctor, and it is not always pleasant. I see that in my Stoic coaching, where some conversations are uncomfortable, a bit like the recovery after surgery that only works if you do the recovery well.

Recording outdoors is another case. People kept telling me to record a podcast outside, and I told others to go and do things like that, yet I was not ready for it myself. I overcame some of those hurdles with interviews in Carnuntum and at the Château de Montaigne, and with a couple of recordings outside, and I am still stepping out of that comfort zone.

How to Follow Your Own Advice in Three Steps

Try the exercise on a day when you feel stuck, as I do when I have not done what I planned.

Start with a moment when you gave someone advice. Recall how it felt to give it and how they reacted, including whether they did anything with it.

Next, recall a moment when someone gave you advice you did not want to hear, perhaps because it was a little critical. Ask what you would have done with it if the hurt to your pride had not been in the way.

Finally, look at that same situation from your own point of view and ask what advice you would have given yourself. Then ask, honestly and sincerely, whether you can do it. On a stuck day, picture what you would say to a friend in that mood, hold yourself to the same words, and notice what you are adding on top of the situation.

Frequently Asked Questions About Following Your Own Advice

What does it mean to follow your own advice?

It means holding yourself to the words you would give another person in the same situation. The test comes when the problem is yours.

What is otherizing in Stoicism?

Otherizing is a Stoic technique where you look at your own situation as a third party would and ask what you would say to someone else in it. The broken cup in Handbook 26 of Epictetus is the standard example.

Why is it easier to give advice than to take it?

When the problem belongs to someone else, our own wants and desires are not added on top of it. When it is ours, they are, and the same advice becomes harder to follow.

Am I a hypocrite if I do not follow my own advice?

Noticing the gap is the first step. Asking whether you do what you tell other people to do is what helps you apply the advice.

How does pausing help you follow your own advice?

A pause creates distance between the event and your first reaction. That takes the initial sting out of it and gives you room to ask what you would tell someone else.

A Thought to Take With You

Going home to record after meeting my friend was a small test, and recording outside was a bigger one. Each time I took a little more of the advice I hand out, step by step, and the Stoics asked for the same habit: see what you tell others to do, and then do it yourself.

Watch the full episode on YouTube.

Want to Learn More?

If this resonated, a conversation with Benny as your Stoic coach can be a good place to begin. You can also sign up for the newsletter, The Pause, or follow the Via Stoica Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

About the Author

Benny Voncken is the founder of Via Stoica and host of the Via Stoica Podcast. He has practiced Stoicism for over six years, spoken at Stoicon, and led Stoic walks across Europe. Through Stoic coaching, he helps people develop their own philosophy of life. It gives them the tools to face obstacles, navigate change, and find balance. He writes, teaches, and walks wherever the philosophy takes him.