How to Deal With Feeling Irrelevant: A Stoic Approach

To deal with feeling irrelevant, ask what this moment requires of you and to whom you want to be relevant, because relevance depends on relationships that keep changing. The feeling usually arrives during change, such as a new job, children who grow up or a friendship that fades. Something we expected to stay forever starts to shift, and we wonder whether we counted as much as we believed.

I hear this theme again and again, in my coaching, on Stoic walks and in everyday conversations. The Stoics have a good answer to it, and it begins with a closer look at what relevance really is.

What Does It Mean to Be Relevant?

The word relevance comes from the Latin for lifting up. To be relevant means that a person or a moment lifts us up. People ask for our opinion, they look up to us, or they value our experience.

That already tells us something important. Relevance always lives inside a relationship and never stands on its own. It depends on the world around us as much as on us, which is why it never stays fixed.

Artificial intelligence gives a clear example. Many people have jobs that a machine can now do faster, and sometimes better. Where does their relevance go? Each of us has to look for that answer personally. The experience we gathered may help to grow these systems, or it may open a path into something completely different.

Change Is Nothing New

It is tempting to think that this moment is the first of its kind. Yet the industrial revolution, the arrival of the internet and even the invention of the wheel all shook up who counted and who did not. We have dealt with change before, and we can deal with it again. Our article on AI and Stoicism shows how reason can meet rapid change without fear.

Each of us also goes through it individually. I have lived through changes that felt like the worst thing that could happen. Looking back, I see that many of them were very good for me, because I can see who I became through them.

The danger starts when we chase permanent relevance and try to stay important forever, because no such thing exists. If we cling to it, we suffer, just as the Stoics say that clinging to life makes death a horrible experience. If we let go and move with the flow of the river, we can enjoy every stage. The Stoic view on impermanence explains this movement in more depth.

The Payroll Chair

I met this lesson myself at a payroll company. I worked for a client who was technically on the difficult side. After a few weeks and months I had built a complete system, I handled most tasks quickly, and the client was very satisfied with me.

The company then decided to move me to another team, partly because I speak Spanish and Dutch and could translate between the client and the support team. I asked about the handover and who I should train to replace me, because all that knowledge seemed too valuable to waste.

Time passed, and nobody ever received the assignment. On the day I had to move, I left my chair, someone else sat down in it, and that was the end. No handover, nothing. I had believed I was the person who managed it all, yet the next person simply did it their own way.

I was relevant for that moment and for that client, and afterwards I was a person who used to sit there. That is how it tends to go. We give so much value to our own actions and existence, while the people who came before us and will come after us are innumerable.

So why should we worry about it? When we do a good job in the moment, we can feel good about ourselves. The Stoics ask us to show up as the best version of ourselves, and the reward lies in doing the right thing, not in the importance other people draw from it.

When Attachment Turns Loss Into Grief

The pain arrives when we attach ourselves to a situation, a relationship or the people who look up to us. Then the change comes, and we lose the situation and the pedestal that went with it. This happens at work, and it happens when children grow independent and no longer need us as much. It also happens when family and friendships fade away. Our guide on attachments and balance looks at how to hold on lightly.

The Stoics would call this a false judgment. We attach our identity so tightly to a role, with its significance and its responsibility, that the world seems to fall apart when the role ends. The ancients loved the theater as a metaphor here. Our script changed, we received a new book, and the next act begins with plenty of new opportunities.

If we stay flexible, focus on the moment and bring our experience along, this can become the best time of our lives. If we stay stuck in the previous act, we never find the energy for what needs our attention now.

We should also admit that becoming irrelevant feels frightening. We lose a part in society, and we fear that nobody will ask for us anymore. Fear and grief intertwine, because we lose something while we worry about what comes next. In that moment it helps to ask what was really important. Did we love the title, the admiration and the validation, or did we simply enjoy what we were doing?

Relevant to Whom? Hierocles and the Circles

When we talk about relevance, we also need to ask to whom. Which relationship do we value so much that we want to keep it at the same level while everything changes? If we focus heavily on work, we may neglect the people in our closest circle.

The second century Stoic Hierocles drew concentric circles with ourselves in the middle. His task for us was to draw the outermost circle, the cosmos and the logos, toward the innermost one, until they are all the same. If we treat a stranger like a cousin or a family member, the question of whether we are relevant to this person or that person loses its sting. Our article on oikeiosis explores this idea of widening care.

It helps to remember that we rarely know how relevant we are to the people around us. A task that looks mundane to us can change the world for someone else, and that is up to them. Relevance is an external concept, an opinion that other people hold about us. We often fill in that opinion for them with stories such as: if I do not help, they will not like me, or if nobody asks, I will be forgotten. They may simply be busy with other things.

How to Deal With Feeling Irrelevant: A Simple Practice

The practice has five parts, and none of them asks for a title or an audience.

Begin by defining relevance for ourselves. Sit with the word and ask what it means to us specifically, right now, and not yesterday or in the future. Questions about success or the good life deserve the same treatment, because the ancients spent their time on such definitions.

Then ask who we want to be relevant to, and in which situation. Name the relationships involved, and notice whether we have been tending the people closest to us.

Look at the roles we play and the duties that come with them. Examine our responsibilities in this moment, and do the best we can with the tools and tasks in front of us. The Stoic discipline of action trains this habit.

Remember that the opinion of others sits outside our control. If nobody calls, they may be busy, and we can place our attention on the relationships that bring real value to our lives. Our guide on what is really in your control draws this line more sharply.

Finally, decide how we want to show up. Our actions, our judgments and the way we look at the situation stay entirely ours, whatever happens to our status. We can preserve our character in such a way that, whatever changes, others see us for who we are, and we see ourselves first.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I deal with feeling irrelevant?

Start by asking what relevance means to us and to whom we want to be relevant. Learning how to deal with feeling irrelevant also means looking at our roles and duties in this moment. We then place our effort on how we show up, because that part stays up to us.

What does the word relevant actually mean?

It comes from the Latin for lifting up. We are relevant when a person or a moment lifts us up, for instance when others ask for our opinion or value our experience. That makes relevance depend on relationship and context, so it changes whenever the situation changes.

Why do I feel irrelevant after a big change?

Change removes the situation that gave us a role, and we often tied our identity to that role. Fear and grief then mix, because we lose something and worry about what comes next. The Stoics would call the belief that our worth ended with the role a false judgment.

What did the Stoics say about the roles we play?

They compared life to a play in which we receive a part. When the script changes, we receive a new book and a new act begins. Our duty is to play whichever part we hold now as well as we can, without clinging to the previous act.

Does relevance depend on other people?

Yes, it is an opinion that others hold about us, and we often cannot know how they see us. A mundane task for us can mean a great deal to someone else. What stays under our control is the way we act and judge, so that is where the Stoics direct our attention.

Do Your Duty in the Moment

Relevance is never a fixed thing, even when a long job or a long family life makes it look that way. It always depends on the relationships and the situation we are in, and those keep moving. We have to learn to feel comfortable with change and with the way things develop.

So ask yourself who you want to be relevant to, when, and through which relationships. Then give the moment what it requires of you, and do your duty to the best of your ability.

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Want to Learn More?

If this resonated, a conversation with Benny as your Stoic coach can be a good place to begin. It gives you space to build your own philosophy of life. You can also sign up for the newsletter, The Pause, or follow the Via Stoica Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

About the Author

Benny Voncken is the founder of Via Stoica and host of the Via Stoica Podcast. He has practiced Stoicism for over six years, spoken at Stoicon, and led Stoic walks across Europe. Through Stoic coaching, he helps people develop their own philosophy of life. It gives them the tools to face obstacles, navigate change, and find balance. He writes, teaches, and walks wherever the philosophy takes him.