What is Really in Your Control? The Stoic Side Most People Miss

What is really in your control is one of the first questions Stoicism asks us, and most of us answer it the same way. We think of the things we can let go: other people’s opinions, the weather, the outcome of a meeting, what someone said about us last week. And there is genuine relief in that. It is a good place to start.

But it is only a start. And I think most of us, myself included, have been tempted to stop there.

Every time I introduce someone to Stoicism and we reach the dichotomy of control, I watch the same thing happen. Their eyes light up. The idea that we can simply release what isn’t ours to carry sounds like a weight lifted. And it is. But then the conversation tends to end there. We talk about what to let go of, and we quietly avoid asking what we are supposed to pick up instead.

That second question is the one Epictetus actually cared about. And it is far more demanding.

What the Dichotomy of Control Actually Says

Arrian, Epictetus’s student, placed a specific passage at the very opening of the Handbook, the Enchiridion, his portable guide to Stoic living. It reads: some things are up to us and others are not. Up to us are our opinion, impulse, desire, aversion, and in a word, whatever is our own action. Not up to us are our body, property, reputation, office, and in a word, whatever is not our own action.

We read that and most of us land immediately on the second half. Not up to us: body, reputation, property. Good, we can let those go. But the first half is the one that carries the real weight. Opinion. Impulse. Desire. Aversion. Our actions. These are ours, which means we are responsible for them. Completely.

The dichotomy of control is not a permission slip to disengage from the world. It is a call to show up fully in the one domain where we actually have something to say.

Why Letting Go Is the Easier Half

It makes sense that we gravitate toward the letting-go side first. We are bombarded with inputs. People want things from us. Opinions arrive from all directions. The idea that we can simply draw a line and say: that is not mine, is genuinely liberating. I know because I still struggle with it myself. I am a people pleaser by nature. Letting things go does not come easily to me, and reminding myself of that boundary requires daily effort.

So I understand the appeal of stopping there. It is a relief valve and it works. But it is only the beginning of what Stoicism is asking of us.

When we treat “it’s not in my control” as a way to exit the situation entirely, we turn a Stoic discipline into a cop-out. We are still part of the situation. We still have a role to play, a responsibility toward the people around us, toward the community we belong to. Letting go of what is not ours does not mean opting out of what is.

This is also where Stoicism sometimes attracts the criticism of being a passive philosophy. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Epictetus, who spent part of his life as a slave, was not teaching people to sit still and accept whatever came their way. He was teaching an urgent, demanding practice of self-mastery. The man had everything taken from him and still considered himself free, because he understood exactly where his real power lay.

What Stoic Self-Control Actually Demands

The Stoic goal is arete, a Greek word that means excellence, not in the sense of achievement or performance, but in the sense of becoming the most complete version of who we can be. Acting well in every situation we encounter, not to be seen doing it, but because that is what a good person does.

We cannot achieve that just by releasing what is not ours. We achieve it by doing the inner work on what is. And that means examining ourselves honestly: our habits, our beliefs, our automatic reactions, the judgments we make without noticing we are making them. The fears we have carried so long that we have stopped questioning them.

The Greeks had a word for this kind of deliberate daily training: askesis. Not a single moment of insight but a repeated, consistent practice of showing up and doing the work in every moment that presents itself. Every interaction is a training ground. Every difficulty is an opportunity to examine how we respond and whether we could have done better.

This is also why the side of control that belongs to us is the side most people avoid. It is all-encompassing and it is not a simple checklist. It is everything: who we are, how we show up, what we choose when no one is watching. And getting that knowledge sometimes means looking at parts of ourselves we have been avoiding for a long time.

Prohairesis: The Stoic Name for What Is Truly Ours

The Stoics had a specific term for what lives on our side of the line: prohairesis, our faculty of moral choice. It is the capacity to judge, to choose, to respond with reason rather than react from impulse. For Epictetus, prohairesis was not just one part of who we are. It was who we are.

Everything else can be taken from us. Our body ages and fails. Our reputation shifts with other people’s moods. Our possessions can disappear overnight. But prohairesis cannot be taken. It can only be abandoned. And that, for Epictetus, is the one thing we must never do.

Understanding this changes the question we ask when something difficult happens. Instead of “why is this happening to me?” we ask: what is actually mine here? What can I do? How do I want to show up? Who do I want to be in this situation, not for the world to see, but for myself?

That is the question that protects what the Stoics called eudaimonia, the state of good spirit and flourishing that comes not from external circumstances but from the quality of our inner life.

What Stoic Self-Mastery Looks Like in Practice

I have been doing this for a while now and I still mess up regularly. That is not a failure of the practice, but that is the practice. What has changed is that I now notice it more quickly, and I recover differently. There are moments where I know I would have reacted one way before and now I respond in a way that feels more like who I actually want to be.

That shift did not happen through reading. It happened through consistent attention to the moments when my impulses wanted to lead and I chose something different instead. Small decisions, every day, in situations that will never appear in any book.

Pierre Hadot described this as building an inner citadel. Not a fortress to hide inside, but a solid foundation from which to meet whatever comes. When we know who we are and what we stand for, we are less rattled by the noise. We can listen to criticism without collapsing under it. We can engage with difficulty without being defined by it.

And if this work feels overwhelming, that is a sign to seek support rather than to step back from it. Epictetus had Musonius Rufus. His students had Epictetus. We are not meant to do this entirely alone. A good friend, a therapist, a coach, someone who will be honest with us and help us ask the right questions, is not a crutch. It is part of the practice.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is really in my control according to Stoicism?

According to Epictetus, what is truly in our control is our own inner life: our opinions, judgments, desires, aversions, and actions. Everything external, including our body, reputation, possessions, and other people’s behaviour, is not under our control. The Stoic term for what is ours is prohairesis, our faculty of moral choice. It is the only thing that cannot be taken from us.

Is Stoicism just about letting go of what you can’t control?

No, and this is one of the most common misreadings of Stoic philosophy. Letting go of what is not ours is the first step, not the whole practice. The other side of the dichotomy of control is an urgent call to take full responsibility for what is ours: our character, our choices, how we show up, how we treat people. Epictetus was not teaching passivity. He was teaching the most demanding form of personal accountability.

What is Stoic self-control and how do I develop it?

Stoic self-control is not willpower in the modern sense. It is the ongoing practice of examining our impressions before acting on them, understanding our habits and beliefs, and choosing responses that align with our values and character. The Greeks called this askesis: deliberate, repeated daily training. It develops through consistent attention to how we respond in ordinary moments, not through dramatic acts of discipline.

How does the dichotomy of control relate to self-mastery?

The dichotomy of control has two sides. Most people focus on the first, releasing what is external. Self-mastery lives on the second: taking full ownership of what is internal. When we stop spending energy on what we cannot change, that energy needs to go somewhere. The Stoics direct it inward, toward character development, toward understanding who we are and who we want to become. That is where self-mastery begins.

Why do people avoid the inner work in Stoicism?

Because it is all-encompassing and sometimes uncomfortable. To examine what is truly ours means looking at our habits, our fears, our automatic reactions, and the beliefs we have never questioned. That can mean seeing things in ourselves we would prefer not to see. But that is also where genuine change becomes possible. The difficulty is not a reason to avoid it. It is the point.

Stop Avoiding the Harder Side

The next time something happens, try this sequence. First, ask what is not in your control and let it be. That part is clear enough. Then, almost immediately, ask the second question: what is mine here? What can I actually do? How do I want to show up?

That second question is what is really in your control. It is also the harder one. And it is the one that actually changes things, not just how the moment feels, but who you are becoming as you move through it.

Stoicism does not ask us to be perfect. It asks us to keep asking the question.

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Want to Learn More?

If this resonated and you are ready to start building your own philosophy of life, a conversation with Benny as your Stoic coach can be a good place to begin. Not to be told what to think, but to have the space to figure it out. You can also sign up for the newsletter, The Pause, or watch or listen to the Via Stoica Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

About the Author

Benny Voncken is the founder of Via Stoica and host of the Via Stoica Podcast. He has practiced Stoicism as a way of life for over six years, spoken at Stoicon, and led Stoic walks across Europe. Through Stoic coaching, he helps people use Stoic principles and practices to develop their own philosophy of life: one that gives them the tools to face obstacles, navigate change, and find more balance and peace. He writes, teaches, and walks wherever the philosophy takes him.